Battle for the Heart
One of the things that I promised the Lord when this journey began, when He gave me Hill Country Thoughts, in 2004, was that I would be open, honest and real, to speak from the heart.
Today I am feeling kind of down, don’t know if that is really the word that I want, but after reading the quotes at the top of the Wild at Heart Journal that we are using, in the Joshua’s Men, a one year journey together at my church, I feel both good and bad at the same time and I can see how I missed the mark with my former wife, how we both missed it, but more so my fault, because I was not the spiritual covering I should have been and now here I am and there she is!
It is hard to be alone, after 29 years, to wake to emptiness and to go to bed the same. We both were wrong, me for not being the covering I should have been, for not battling for her heart, neither one of us battled for our love. I forgot and she gave up.
I guess I am writing all of this, this morning, because it is the small things that open memories.
Living here with my youngest daughter and her husband, who I know love me very much, is such a blessing, but yet I feel so out of place. I am nearly forty years older than them.
But right now, where do I go? Where do I live? What is before me? I know my Father, knows , and I know His plans for me are good plans but sometimes it is hard to see them and hang on, and though it is only a thread, I still know that I am not without hope.
Please pray for me, that as I continue this journey that I am on, that I will become a better father, grand-father, friend and maybe someday a husband again, hopefully an example of someone, who will battle for the heart of the one he loves, like our Lord who battled for our hearts, that we might become one with Him!
Till later,
Paul
February 6th, 2007 at 07:36
Hi Paul,
My heart cries for you. You are so sincere in your heart. It is far too easy to look back with the coulda, shoulda, wouldas, isn’t it? We all, sadly, have them. We don’t live in a perfect world, and cannot expect perfect lives. We take for granted the things we have, then, due to unknown circumstances until it is way too late, we lose them, then we are left empty. Far too many times this is true for too many of us. We know, however, there is One who understands, One that loves us no matter what, and One who gives us comfort that we sometimes don’t deserve. No matter what life throws at us, remaining faithful is the key. You must have done something right to have such wonderful children who have opened up their hearts and home to you. I know you love The Lord with all of your heart and soul. Your whole being is shown in the precious words you have just posted. And, for one man to show so much love and so much heartache at the same time, is a very Godly man. My hat off to you, Paul. May you find all the love and happiness that this world has to offer, and may you be blessed beyond your richest prayer. I know The Lord has great things in store for you, and I pray it comes to you very soon, and in the most unique and pleasant way.
February 6th, 2007 at 23:10
Sean’s wife here. We miss seeing you. I happened to got to Acworth yesterday to get a coffee, but you weren’t there. I am sorry you had a down day. Check out my blog and see the kids, and maybe you will catch a few laughs. The Lord will raise you up…may the peace of Christ rule deeply in your heart eve through the down times.
February 14th, 2007 at 11:49
hello, paul. i was just reading your sweet comment at the death of my mamaw some weeks ago.
just wanted to come by and say thank you.
but now i want to say that i’m praying for you. our marriage is most likely right where yours was. i know i am at fault in many ways, but it seems like my husband just doesn’t care to try to make things better.
*sigh* anyway… you are in my prayers. your post just made me ache for you. but please hold fast.
remember paul, God holds the map with a perfectly planned route. we don’t have to know where He’s taking us, and He doesn’t have to have planned the easiest route between here and there (wherever “there” is!
we just have to know that the entire route, rough roads/flat tires/busted alternators/etc included, are all for a purpose — all for our good someway, somehow we just have to trust in Him.
we may never know why God took us on this or that detour or on that high road instead of this low one… we just have to know that He has a plan for us and trust in that plan. no matter what.
end of reminder.
much love to you, dear brother in Christ.
February 14th, 2007 at 12:50
Hi Beeba,
Thank you so very much for blogging by and for sharing your thoughts and encouragement.
I really appreciated it very much.
Indeed the Lord knows and He understands and He carries us through it all.
We have been blessed with three awesome children and super grandkids.
Thank you again for your prayers,
Your friend and brother in the Lord,
Writing for the King,
Paul
February 14th, 2007 at 12:53
Hi Laura,
Thank you for blogging by and saying howdy. Sorry I was not here the day you came by.
Sure do miss you guys. You all are a blessing!
I really am enjoying your blog and the pictures. They are really cute!
Blessings,
Writing for the King,
Paul
February 14th, 2007 at 13:01
Hi G~!,
Thank you for blogging by to say howdy, sure do appreciate it very much.
I so appreciate your praying and want you to know that I will be lifting your husband and you too the Lord also, that the Lord will minister to your hearts.
Thank you for the reminder, I really do appreciate it very much, indeed the road has not been easy and it is not a path I would have chosen but the Lord has been with me.
Indeed His plans are good plans, that He will finish what He has begun within me.
He watches over us as we look to Him!
Blessings my friend,
Writing for the King,
Paul
March 13th, 2007 at 12:11
Just wanted to say thank you for being transparent. I pray that you will see the hand of our Lord in all this. I pray also that you would be encouraged because in spite of the pain and suffering that has gone on/is going on, you now have eyes to see. You are growing and being molded and becoming better…better able to serve others, better able to see the Lord, better able to make wise decisions, better. Take care!